Prayer

Prayer is a funny thing. OK, so not literally funny, but maybe just confusing? I mean, we pray that God's will be done in specific situations, but if God is God, won't His will be done anyway? Then we tend to throw in our two cents - our own will - which we hope will match up with God's will, but it usually doesn't? And then we pray that we'd be content with His answer, assuming He'll not grant us the specific request? Don't get me wrong, but do you always know how to pray? Have you ever NOT wanted to pray for fear that you'll jinx what you really want? That's sounds like some serious doubt on my end, but maybe that's just because of the given situation. Or maybe I have more of a faith problem than I let on, which is probably true for most of us!

I love to pray for Keon and Christian. I love interceding on their behalf, begging God to put godly men and women in their lives to teach them the Word and bring them to a saving knowledge of who Jesus Christ is. Then I secretly pray that I'd be one of those people. Isn't it funny how I think I can whisper some things in front of God, sorta hoping He won't hear them?

Tomorrow's a big day, supposedly. I should hear whether this emergency respite (for Keon, 19 mo., and Christian, 9 mo., will turn into a placement. That means that the babies will be with me long-term. For those of you parents out there, I'm sure you understand the ramifications of that decision. Should I really be a single mother with two children under the age of two, while both working and taking classes to get my master's degree? Realistically, probably not. But, is it really realistic to think that on Tuesday, July 12, 2005, Katie and I would drive to a gas station in Meadville, PA to pick up these babies. No, that doesn't sound realistic to me. But it happened. Do I want these babies to stay with me? At the risk of letting you know what's really in my heart (and, therefore, having you see how hurt I am if it doesn't turn out the way I think it should) yes, I want them more than I've wanted anything in my whole life. Am I scared, if I do get them as a placement, that I'll be faced with a difficult return to their mother and that crappy lifestyle? Certainly. Does it mean that I'm petrified that I'll face the decision, should they go up for adoption, to let the babies that I raised for a part of their lives, leave me? Yes, yes, and yes, again. Am I ashamed of those fears? Not really, I'm just overwhelmed by them. Can I see the good if these babies don't get placed with me? Not at all. That would mean one of two things - that they're going back to their mom, who is a drug addict, or that the county found some long-lost relative who probably lives in a similar lifestyle as the babies' parents and they are fighting to gain custody of the babies. So, no, I can't look at this situation and see the good that could come out of either possibility. They belong here before they belong back where they came from.

So, I put both babies to sleep tonight so afraid that maybe it was their last night here. More afraid of that than I can ever remember being afraid before. So much uncertainty. As I was singing Keon to sleep, I thought of one of the choruses that we sing at church. With a few word changes, it truly is my prayer for both boys:

You have a Maker.
He formed your heart.
Before even time began
Your life was in His hands.


He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call.

You have a Father.
He calls you His own.
He'll never leave you
No matter where you go.

He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call.

Please help me pray because I don't really know how to. Pray that my faith would stop being like shifting sand, but that it'd be a firm foundation for me to lean on when I feel so uncertain about everything. Thanks guys!