Grad School

I thought once I got into it, I'd enjoy taking classes again. Let me just tell you that I really don't want to be going back to school. Part of that probably has to do with the fact that I'm working full time, not actually seeing the people I'm at school with, and am also the mother to two wonderful little boys. Now that they're here, I don't enjoy anything except for the time I get to spend with them!

I hate the world today ...

Keep Singin'

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Saturday, I found out that my dad's biological father was contacting him after leaving 42 years ago. Today I found out that my maternal grandmother has cancer in an advanced stage. I also got a call from the boys' caseworker to "talk about some things" - which are probably nothing - but have me all worked up. You hear that things happen in threes. Probably the most upsetting thing, though, is the argument between my sisters and I about visiting this weekend. Some of us value being together right now, while some of us would prefer fun times with friends. We aren't seeing eye-to-eye and all I REALLY want is to have them all here. All this happening in MA just makes me feel EXTREMELY lonely here - despite the responsibilities and people around me.

Runaway Mom

I met with a caseworker tonight who called another caseworker who relayed this message to us ...

"After the court hearing on September 7th, "Mom" has been nowhere to be found." My caseworker thinks drugs may be involved. I think it may have something in addition to do with her being pregnant. Who knows, she's gone.

So my caseworker mentions tonight two things:
1. There's a possibility that they'll put some sort of order out that when the new baby arrives in a hospital somewhere, it'll be placed directly into foster care.
2. If Mom doesn't remain in sufficient contact with the two children in my care, then come the next court hearing (in March), their goals could possibly already change to adoption.

So my brain is wired ... will the new baby go to a home in the county where the family is from? Will he/she (preferably she) have the same father as my two boys and, therefore, be put into placement with them? Will Katie DIE taking care of another baby? Will I be able to take care of another baby? (There's no way I'd say no.) If the adoption process starts in March, how long does that last and what the heck will I do? It's so hard not to get overwhelmed with the questions. Because, in reality, Mom could call Monday and demand visits with her children, take the parenting classes and drug rehab, and then get her kids back in April. Can you believe this is a voluntary thing that I WANT to do? :)

Anyways, just thought I'd give an update. The boys are doing well. Keon's talking up a storm. While Kris is pretty sick, he's getting the medical attention that he needs. Thanks for everyone's prayers and encouragement!

My New Purse

First of all, let me assure you that I am not a girl who owns one hundred purses (or pocket books, as I called them back in MA!) In fact, I carry a book bag to school and a diaper bag after school, so I rarely even use a purse.

This weekend, Katie felt the need to buy a new purse. So we went to Ross Park Mall in Wexford (only an hour and a half away from home!) I got sucked into her scheme - and, together, we left with four new purses and two new wallets. Now, the intention is to each return a purse, but I have to admit I'm thinking about keeping them both!

My purse is dark brown corduroy with mauve accents. I got a dark brown leather wallet, too. It's not fancy, but I'm in love with it. Maybe that sounds materialistic. I'm not sure yet. All I know is that it's meant a heck of a lot to me in just the two first days of its use!

First of all, Sunday morning was terrible. Dawson and Joey ate a blue marker and tracked it all over my somewhat-white living room carpet. I came to the stark realization that dogs and children ruin everything. In just nine months of being in this home, there are only two rooms that have been untouched by either a dog or a child - one of those rooms I just moved my two boys into (stupid me!) and the other is Katie's third-floor-bedroom. It's really depressing to me. I was nasty to Katie, ignored my children, and attempted to try to regain composure to go to church. Luckily, Katie said she'd take the boys to church later and I could leave early to play the keyboard. As I got in my car, tears came immediately. Then I looked down into the passenger seat of my rather dirty car. Sitting next to me was the cutest brown and pink purse ever. I thought, "Life isn't so bad. I love my purse."

So, on Sunday, I wore brown just so it'd match my purse. If you know me at all, you know that IS NOT me! But I loved it. It gets better ...

All day today, I kept my cell phone in its designated pocket of this special purse. I haven't lost it once. Again, if you know me at all, you know this is quite a feat. It STILL gets better. Now I usually carry a school bag (full of work) home with me each night. Sometimes I'm diligent in completing the work, and sometimes I'm not. Even when I'm not, the work remains a burden. I have to bring the bag home for it holds my wallet and cell phone. I might as well bring the work. Well, today ... my purse liberated me to carry IT home with my wallet and cell phone and leave the work bag (and work) at school. What a great feeling!

Maybe it's because I've been TRYING to start my "Total Money Makeover" at the same time as becoming a mom to two children under the age of two, who desperately try to take my attention OFF of saving my money. (OK, so maybe I put that on myself!) Maybe it's because I've stopped "treating myself" to special treats every once in a blue moon. For whatever reason, this purse has changed my life ... what do you think about that? :)

911

Last night, Katie offered to let me go grocery shopping (alone!) while the boys were asleep. This was supposed to be my "night out" for the month ...

I pull into a parking spot, while talking to my mother on my cell phone. After about a minute being in my car, I see a parent of one of my students parked next to me. I told my mom that this woman was upset with me due to my room being 72 degrees, which is obviously too cold for her daughter.) So, she waved to get my attention. I waved back and, as she turned around, locked my car doors.

After asking my mom for her advice, she basically told me to "suck it up" and go do my grocery shopping. While on the phone with my mother, this woman began yelling at me (yet again) about the temperature of my room. I told her that I was not able to talk to her outside of the school and continued on my way.

Once in the store, I called Katie to get my principal's phone number. I was going to call immediately to let him know that she was bothering me in the parking lot. However, after getting his number, the father of my student came into the store. I apprached a worker to let them know I was being followed and he got onto the phone to let someone know at the front desk.

After three attempts to make the parent leave me alone, I threatened to call 911. If you know me, you know that I never threaten my students with something that I can't follow through with. So, when the dad stepped towards me once more, I whipped out my phone and dialed 911. The dispatch worker had me stay on the phone until an officer arrived. I then filed a formal report and complain against these parents! They were sent on their way and, about five minutes later, we walked out and they were still at my car. The officer watched me get in and drive off. Boy, was I shook up!

Thank goodness I have the support of both of my principals and my superintendent. I was worried that teachers would think I overreacted, which is sort of how I felt. I know if I hadn't been exhausted already, I probably would've talked to these people. I was just so angry that they were keeping me from doing my grocery shopping on the ONE night I had available. Instead of laughing, though, the other teachers have declared me their hero. This couple has about a million children and it seems that every teacher in the school has had dealings with this mother. They bow down to her so that she doesn't bother them, but I decided I wasn't going to cave and I was going to do my job appropriately and professionally. So ...

She didn't complain this morning (as usual.) She didn't even walk on the school grounds. Praise God.

What a life I lead, huh?

Seriously?!

Katie just let me in on a little secret. "Seriously?!" is now the phrase I use, mostly on the dogs, when I just am exasperated at what someone/something is doing.

Tonight deserves a big, "SERIOUSLY?" When the boys were finally asleep, Katie asked me, "Why did you want them again?" And I want to reply, "I know, seriously!"

Do parents ever feel this way? I think I already know that the answer is yes. Let me recap the past 48 hours.

Kids went to bed fine Friday night. Saturday night, I woke up and their room was full of poop. I think I started an entry on that already. The room's still not cleaned completely and the upstairs (as well as the children) continue to smell like poop.

So I spent all of Saturday trying to get babies to nap, changing diapers, and getting really frustrated that Dawson and Joey have reached a height where they can officially reach everything. I think they'd be phenomenal dogs if someone had the time to train them. Any ideas about when I could fit that into my schedule?

So, last night, Kristen went to bed and Keon eventually fell asleep in my bed. I brought him to his room, only to have him return at 2 AM ... never to really fall back asleep. He dozed off at 4:30 and Kristen awoke at 4:45 with a messy diaper. Poor baby, I just put him back to bed to cry himself to sleep because I was desperate. I think he finally slept again 6:45-7:30 A.M. I didn't think we could make it to church, but we went just to keep myself sane. Then we met Tom, Heather, and Chrissy at the outlets, where I watched my friends shop while I waited outside always trying to get a baby (or two) to stop screaming. Fun. They slept in the car on the way to Rachels, were OK in the restaurant, and fell asleep on the way home. Yeah, so it was only 6. Usually they go down at 7. So maybe they'd be up at 5 instead of 6 ... I didn't care, just get them to bed. (By the way, my first grad school class starts tonight, so I'd wanted to get a head start on that.) So Katie knocked on my door at 6:30 to tell me that Kris was awake, but he'd be fine. I vowed to finish one assignment and then head down. At 6:40, she knocked again to let me know they were both awake. There was lots of crying. After a run to the grocery store to buy gas relief meds, pedialyte (which Ke wouldn't drink), and some doses of Tylenol, I put them to bed. Ten minutes later, Katie went in to find Kristen totally asleep and Keon sitting in the crib with him, just talking. She brought him down and he played for a bit. FINALLY, I got him to sleep in Kristen's old infant car seat after rocking him for a good 45 minutes. I went to take him out, but Katie didn't think that was best. She carried the seat upstairs (and he's heavy) and we just plopped the seat in their room. Can you imagine what he'll wonder when he wakes up?

All of a sudden, I don't feel so ready to be a mom. And to think I may add a teenage girl to the mix next weekend? What's going on?!

A Whole New World

I am constantly having these revelations and I think, "Wow! That's a blogger ..." However, I never have any time to blog those thoughts because life is SO busy! So this may be choppy, but I want to get a bit in.

I woke up this morning to poop. Not just the smell of poop when I walked into the boys' room, but POOP. All over the carpet ... all over the furniture ... all over the clothes ... it was gross. While I vowed to NEVER wake Katie up on a day she wasn't watching the boys, I was helpless. I threw Keon into the bathtub and brought Kristen up to Katie. I tried cleaning up, but didn't have good carpet cleaner, so then I had to have Katie watch them while I went to Giant Eagle to buy carpet cleaner, Febreze, Lysol, and paper towels. It's not coming out.

Now one of them is awake. See, my blog entry is over. Thanks for reading. Maybe some other day I'll get those important thoughts onto this thing!