Bath Time

I'm trying to set a routine for these kids. However, bath time is quite difficult and, for the time being, I'm trying to do baths every other night if they didn't get sweaty during the day. So tonight we're starting bedtime and Cway-Jonna comes out of the bathroom yelling, "Keon's in the bathtub and the water is on!" We all ran in to see Keon standing soaking wet in the tub with the water running. That child wants to set his own routine, Mr. Independent is his name! So, right now, I still haven't heard anything about the babies or the 5 yo girl I have. They are the 7th, 8th, and 9th children to live in my home in just over a month. Isn't that crazy? I'm completely blessed by them!

Prayer

Prayer is a funny thing. OK, so not literally funny, but maybe just confusing? I mean, we pray that God's will be done in specific situations, but if God is God, won't His will be done anyway? Then we tend to throw in our two cents - our own will - which we hope will match up with God's will, but it usually doesn't? And then we pray that we'd be content with His answer, assuming He'll not grant us the specific request? Don't get me wrong, but do you always know how to pray? Have you ever NOT wanted to pray for fear that you'll jinx what you really want? That's sounds like some serious doubt on my end, but maybe that's just because of the given situation. Or maybe I have more of a faith problem than I let on, which is probably true for most of us!

I love to pray for Keon and Christian. I love interceding on their behalf, begging God to put godly men and women in their lives to teach them the Word and bring them to a saving knowledge of who Jesus Christ is. Then I secretly pray that I'd be one of those people. Isn't it funny how I think I can whisper some things in front of God, sorta hoping He won't hear them?

Tomorrow's a big day, supposedly. I should hear whether this emergency respite (for Keon, 19 mo., and Christian, 9 mo., will turn into a placement. That means that the babies will be with me long-term. For those of you parents out there, I'm sure you understand the ramifications of that decision. Should I really be a single mother with two children under the age of two, while both working and taking classes to get my master's degree? Realistically, probably not. But, is it really realistic to think that on Tuesday, July 12, 2005, Katie and I would drive to a gas station in Meadville, PA to pick up these babies. No, that doesn't sound realistic to me. But it happened. Do I want these babies to stay with me? At the risk of letting you know what's really in my heart (and, therefore, having you see how hurt I am if it doesn't turn out the way I think it should) yes, I want them more than I've wanted anything in my whole life. Am I scared, if I do get them as a placement, that I'll be faced with a difficult return to their mother and that crappy lifestyle? Certainly. Does it mean that I'm petrified that I'll face the decision, should they go up for adoption, to let the babies that I raised for a part of their lives, leave me? Yes, yes, and yes, again. Am I ashamed of those fears? Not really, I'm just overwhelmed by them. Can I see the good if these babies don't get placed with me? Not at all. That would mean one of two things - that they're going back to their mom, who is a drug addict, or that the county found some long-lost relative who probably lives in a similar lifestyle as the babies' parents and they are fighting to gain custody of the babies. So, no, I can't look at this situation and see the good that could come out of either possibility. They belong here before they belong back where they came from.

So, I put both babies to sleep tonight so afraid that maybe it was their last night here. More afraid of that than I can ever remember being afraid before. So much uncertainty. As I was singing Keon to sleep, I thought of one of the choruses that we sing at church. With a few word changes, it truly is my prayer for both boys:

You have a Maker.
He formed your heart.
Before even time began
Your life was in His hands.


He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call.

You have a Father.
He calls you His own.
He'll never leave you
No matter where you go.

He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call.

Please help me pray because I don't really know how to. Pray that my faith would stop being like shifting sand, but that it'd be a firm foundation for me to lean on when I feel so uncertain about everything. Thanks guys!

Quick Update (Keon and Christian)

Tuesday evening, I got a phone call around 8 PM to take a 5 yr, 18 mo, and 9 mo from Erie. I really didn't believe it until I got the confirmation call that I was to pick all three up at a gas station in Meadville (where I would meet them with their caseworker.) While I had the option of borrowing seats from various county agencies, since it was now almost 9:00, I decided to go pick up stuff at Wal-Mart for myself. I decided it couldn't hurt to have the stuff on hand in case something else came up and, if this were only a one-night deal, I could probably return the stuff I didn't use (or only used once!) So, I left to pick up Monteko (Teko), Keon, and Christian.

Thursday evening, Kelsey flew in. I was supposed to pick her up when I drove home for Mark Foster's wedding this weekend, but I had to cancel that trip because of these kiddos. So, supernanny Kelsey flew in Thursday. Little did she know what she was in for in just the first twenty-four hours that she was here.

At 8:30 Friday morning, I got a phone call from my caseworker saying that the two older children would be going into kinship care (care from a relative or clsoe family friend), that I would need to drive back to the famous gas station in Meadville, and she also asked if I'd keep Christian, the baby. I said, yes, packed up their stuff, and headed out. I knew I'd be sad, but I also knew how angry and difficult Teko was and how active and tiring Keon was. I thought, "The Lord only gives what we can handle, and he must see that I'm not really able to handle all three children plus my two dogs!"

I thought I'd be sad to see Keon leave, but he was asleep and Teko turned out to be so difficult, I even forgot to kiss Keon goodbye. Teko didn't want to leave, especially when he found out he was going to live with grandma for a little while. (We thought that'd be comforting, but it really did upset him.) He just kept asking if I'd take him on one more road trip (our fun phrase for long car rides!) and begging me not to leave him. The caseworker just worked as I tried to calm him down and, eventually, had to restrain him and buckle him in his booster seat in her car. He screamed and they left with his tear-stained face up against her window watching me leave. It was truly heart-breaking. I put Christian in the car, knelt in to buckle him, and just broke down. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm running on less than 3 hours of sleep each night. (Can someone tell me why I'm up blogging at 1:30 in the morning then?!)

Anyways, after Christian, Kelsey, and I cried for about five minutes, we headed back out. We went to the grocery store and, on our way out, the caseworker called. She told me she had the wrong child. I was speechless. My first thought was, "She needs the baby," which I wasn't ready to give up. However, she said she was supposed to take Teko's older brother, who was in a different placement, and did I want to take Keon back because he didn't have a place to go. Of course, I did. I told her Christian had a doctor's appointment and we arranged to meet for me to get Keon back as soon as the appointment was over.

Christian has a middle ear infection in both ears and ruptured temp ... something membranes in each ear. He's on infant Tylenol every four hours and an antibiotic. Life is crazy. By the time we were out of the office, the caseworker was in Hermitage so we met in Staples (which I do prefer to a gas station) and I took Keon. She told me she'd be in touch Monday, but that this respite would turn into a placement. She's sure of that. My agency supervisor is more careful and says we're waiting until Monday to find out about that. I asked if it does happen, do they go with me ... she said unless I don't want them. (Can you imagine me not wanting them?!) I get first choice. The caseworker doesn't even think it's possible they'll ever go back to Mom or Dad ... I'm trying SO hard to just take one day at a time. There are always uncertainties and these ones are edging on the brink of unbearable.

So, we came back, visited with Katie's dad and brother, and then spent a long time at JCPenny, picking out three outfits for each of them, a Nemo blanket for the baby, and a diaper bag. We'll wait 'til we found out it's a placement, but once we do, we need more bottles, a stroller, togs, the list is endless ... and amazing.

Life is so hectic. I don't return phone calls. I don't even think of returning phone calls. I worry that I complain when I talk to my Mom and that maybe I don't sound like I'm having fun. If I complain to you, please know it's just because I'm tired and overwhelmed, but NOT FOR A SECOND in the last 144 hours have I ever stopped feeling immense joy in the fact that I have the two most precious children under my roof. I loved them the second I saw them and that love has grown exponentially every time I look at them, or even just listen to them breathe. It's amazing. I don't deserve to have them even for this short time, but I'm certainly glad God lent them to me to take care of for the time being.

Prayers appreciated? Certainly! I'm living off of your prayers. I love you all. E-mail me if you would like to see pictures. Goodnight!

Road Trip

I'm still listening to "Held," even if NONE of you decided to comment on the lyrics. ;)

I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday being lazy. There was a two-hour exception, when Katie and I were digging up the backyard and beginning to level the ground. We heard that we're gonna get hit with the end of the hurricane tomorrow and our neighbor said we needed to finish our job before then or our work would be ruined! Katie's working until 6 tonight, so after dinner, we'll finish digging, leveling, and hopefully set up the pool.

I'm heading out on my first road trip WITHOUT my puppy this week. I have a wedding to go to in Rhode Island (on the beach - yea!) I'm so not looking forward to driving, so I thought maybe I'd leave Dawson home to save some time. I was planning on driving out Thursday, going to the wedding on Friday, and driving back Saturday so that Kelsey and I could go to my church on Sunday morning. (Kelsey's driving back with me for two weeks - yea!) I may leave tomorrow because I've been sort of bored this week. (No foster care calls and Katie's been working a lot.) I'm looking forward to seeing my best friend from high school and a lot of our friends from high school youth group. It should be a fun time!

I'm really missing Johnathan, Krista, and Daniel. Everytime Katie mentions one or all of them, I tell her not to talk about them ... but, truth is, I'm thinking about them all of the time anyways. I just can't stop praying for them, which is a good thing, I'm sure. I just keep thinking about the first phone call I had about them coming to live with me and I wonder why it didn't work out that way. I would REALLY like to have them here on a long-term basis and I'm still not convinced that it will never happen. Next Saturday, Katie, Kelsey, and I will be going to Waldameer to meet them. Then we'll have them here the following Thursday-Sunday before Kelsey and I take another road trip to Maine for two weeks. Katie was funny the other day when she realized that she's going to go from living with five other people in the house to having it all to herself for two weeks!

Well, this update was basically written because I was bored. I'm going to go try to clean some more around the house and continue being productive. Peace out. ;)

Held

Feel free to post on these lyrics if you love them as much as I do. (I have to admit I love it more when I'm listening to it!)

Natalie Grant
Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was


When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Blatantly Honest

OK, many of you have - at one time or another - encouraged me in my foster parenting by telling me one of many things: 1)you are being so selfless in using your time to help these children, 2)you are sharing Christ's love with these children, 3)you are impacting so many children's lives, etc. Tonight I want you to know that, first of all, I feel totally inadequate to be doing what I'm doing and I consider it an infinitely huge blessing that the Lord has allowed me to be a foster mother at this time in my life! I am definitely blessed every single day by these children. However, it seems to me that many of you get the idea that this just comes naturally. Tonight I have a 13 year-old boy in the blue bedroom. It's midnight so I have to go to bed, but he's still up playing the electric guitar. He's been diagnosed with some serious attachment disorders and, therefore, needs highly qualified respite care. Do you know what my training was? Three packets about three pages long each on different attachment issues that I was told I should read sometime this weekend (which I tried to read while watching a movie after 10 PM tonight!) It is so NOT natural and quite uncomfortable to have a guest in your home who you know nothing about, who doesn't really understand why he has to be there, and who you don't really know how to entertain or set up rules for. It's so WEIRD! I know I won't sleep tonight. That's just life. But, nonetheless, it's an incredible opportunity and a really interesting experience. I just thought I should be candid for an evening and I had to get that off my chest. :) (BTW, I am always hearing of people reading my blog, but do you know that I have the least amount of comments out of all my friends that have blogs? Come on guys!)

Not Much To Say ...

First of all, Andrew Campbell - if you read this, I think it's hysterical that you read my blog and I don't even know your IM name! Don't you think you could share it with me? Second of all, the whole "engagement prank" (which didn't work the way it was supposed to) only became 100% funnier when I heard about your mom calling my mom about me getting married. To all who didn't hear the punchline of the joke or find humor in anything, I'm not engaged. (I'm not even dating anyone!) I was hoping someone would read it and freak out, but that person never read my blog while the post was up! How funny ... btw, I do love Ryan Westcott, but we don't have any real plans to get married. ;)

So, I'm impressed that you even chose to read a post entitled "Not Much To Say ... " I just spent 48 hours with Johnathan and it was a decent time. It was hard not to treat him like it was a vacation because it wasn't actually a good thing that he had to come to me on an emergency basis (due to his behavior.) But, we did manage to walk to the park this morning and go out for ice cream this evening, so it was bearable for him, I think. I'm not convinced that I will never have them on a long-term basis. I'm not sure why I have that feeling, but I can't say that it'd be a bad thing. I'm in love with that idea (as well as all three children!)

Anyways, Katie, Kelsey, and I will be going to Waldameer (a park in Erie) on Saturday, July 23rd and meeting the kids and their foster family there. We have some sort of plan to take the young ones for part of the day and hopefully the older ones, too. And most of it is free ... yippee! I'd be more excited if I were bringing my own foster children, but I guess that'll just come with time. The next weekend, Kelsey will still be visiting and we'll have the kids Thursday-Sunday, which will be fun! :) Then it's two weeks up in Maine.

I'm probably going to start respiting a new foster kid, Corey, occasionally. I don't know the full story on him, but he's turning fourteen next month. I think he's actually adopted, but the family just needs a break from him once in a while. That really confuses me. Parents don't just call up an agency and say, "Could you find someone to take my kids when I can't stand them anymore?" I don't understand why adoptive foster parents are able to do the same thing, but then again, I'm new to this whole thing ... and I tend to find it very easy to treat foster children as my own. Thanks to everyone for lifting the kids up in your prayers ... I find a lot of encouragement and support from you! :)

Johnathan

Johnathan came back tonight. It's so frustrating that for one kid and one situation there are 18 different caseworkers with 18 different stories and points of view regarding the child and the situation!

Due to confidentiality, I can't really say why he's here right now, except that he had a problem with his siblings and needed to take a break from the situation. I'll be waiting for his county caseworker to call me tomorrow to talk about this further - and to talk to John, as well.

Until then, I'm not really sure what to do. There seem to be no logical consequences for his actions - and no real "punishment". I don't want him to think it's a good thing that he had to be separated from his younger brother and sister but the truth is - this is what he wants! I don't want him to have a special visit full of fun activities, but I can't help but be convicted that maybe the one thing he does need is someone to love the heck out of him. So pray for me. Pray that I would make wise decisions while John is in my care. And that the Lord would really hold him and his siblings in His hand and draw them to Him ...

Food For Thought

Please comment on the following phrase ...

the "opposite of a hypocrite" -

What does it mean to you? Just curious. :)